Men

Men - Sometimes they act like a girl more than I do. They are positive of what they want and claim they are never fickle yet can't commit to anything because they don't know what they want. Moody. Unpredictable. They accuse women of not being clear in communication with the opposite sex and I say, what part of saying nothing at all is clear communication? At least we talk! Why is it that they can't have girl-friends when they have a girlfriend? Sometimes they throw away years of friendship. Sometimes they drop off the face of the earth and are never heard from again. Sometimes they apologize for something and then turn around and do it again. There are times when it has been days between sightings. They only want to do something if it was their idea. They have very selective hearing, seeing, remembering, and understanding. I could go on forever but the bottom line is, I don't understand them in any way. The end.

Burnt or Dead.

I asked for fewer hours at work for the summer. It may or may not be the smartest decision because heaven knows I could always have more money saved up in the bank but, it's summer. The sun is out, the temperatures are up, and I don't feel like working 40 hours a week, what are you going to do about it? So as a result of my request I didn't have to be to work until 2:00 p.m. today and it was AWESOME! I went out to the clubhouse pool and laid out for a couple hours this morning and it was so nice to get some sun. But, I got seriously sun burned today. Now I am in pain. Because I am super smart I didn't really think about putting on sunscreen and now I am paying for it. But, after a quick run to the store to get a bottle of Aloe Vera and rubbing half of it all over my legs, shoulders and back I feel a lot better but sleeping is going to be a bit interesting tonight. Which side do I sleep on when all sides of me are bright pink and burning? I guess it's just one of those mystery questions I'll never have an answer for.

The Power of Music

It's not a secret that I love music. I love to play, listen to and especially sing to almost any kind of music. Lately I've been more aware of how much power music has in our lives. One of the definitions of power is 'to have influence over'. So I think saying the 'power of music' is quite fitting.

Music has a physical power over me, when a song has a strong, quick and lively beat I just can't help but move to that beat. Involuntarily my arms go up and my legs and hips begin to move in a way that only happens when I'm dancing. I honestly can't help it; I no longer have control as my body takes in the beat, the lyrics and the feelings of that song and moves in a way to express that.

It is also no secret that I am an emotional person so I guess it should be no surprise that the strongest influence music has over me is emotionally. It can instantly make me feel happy, sad, mad, melancholy, regretful, reminiscent and even depressed. I am not the kind of person that just listens to music, I listen to the individual notes and chords that are used to make a melody. I listen to each word being sung and try and figure out the meaning behind each song. Why was it written? What's the story? What's the hidden meaning behind the web of words that often don't make sense when put together? This habit of paying close attention to the lyrics of songs is often what gives music the power to completely captivate me. Each song is a story and I become emotionally connected to songs especially when the lyrics describe anything I've ever been through and feelings I've personally felt.

For example: A few weeks ago I was driving back to Provo after spending a weekend in Blanding. My car does not have an MP3 hook up or a tape player for a converter so I have no way of listening to my ipod while driving. While I was at home I found a big binder of all my old cd's I had made in high school so I took those back with me. With each cd I put in my mind was flooded with memories. Memories of making the cd, the reason behind the selection of songs, and people involved. There was one cd in particular that hit me pretty hard. It was a cd I had made when I was dating a certain boy. It was made up of love songs with a couple silly songs that were inside jokes and it was interesting to me how I felt when I was listening to this cd. For just a moment it was as if all of the years that have passed since then hadn't happened and I was taken back to that summer when I fell in love for the first time. While I listened to the cd I remembered and felt all the emotions that were associated with memories in my mind; everything from twitterpation to first kiss to falling in love and even the hurt, betrayal, and anger of breaking up.

A similar experience happened just recently when I was cooking in my kitchen with my itunes playing on shuffle and all of the sudden an ABBA song came on and within a split second I felt so happy. Not only is ABBA awesome but I associate any ABBA song with my best friend and all of the times we have been driving blasting the ABBA Gold cd on illegal sound levels come to mind. Even as I type this I am smiling. I can't help but feel happy.

And isn't it weird how you want to listen to music that is in sync with your current emotion. We listen to upbeat re-mixes at dance parties and hymns at church. Music should be used appropriately with the right music in the right circumstance. I mean nobody wants to listen to ''Sunshine on my Shoulders by John Denver when they feel like throwing something at the wall out of anger. Nobody listens to 'Two Less Lonely People in the World by Air Supply' when they just broke up with someone. And obviously no one listens to "We are the Dateless Losers by Reel Big Fish' just after an amazing date that ended with a goodnight kiss. Yeah, no one does that. People will search through all the music they have to find that "hate music" when their furious about something, their "love mix" when they get a boyfriend, and their "Girl's Night Out Jams" when they just want to have a little fun.

I love music, I think it's awesome how it can bring out your bad side, good side, silly side and the child within you. It can express what words alone cannot describe.

The ups and downs of life.

I wouldn't say that I haven't been in a blogging mood because I feel like I have lots to tell about but when I actually sit down to type out my thoughts everything is jumbled in my head and I can't make full sentences and it's kind of frustrating. The last three weeks have been a little crazy it seems and I'm not sure if all my jumbled thoughts can be put into words. But I've experienced the extremes in almost every emotion and it is a little exhausting.

I've had a lot of fun with friends lately. I've been to bonfires, concerts, out to eat, hot tubing, movie theaters, library excursions, many sand volleyball games, movie marathons, staying up way too late and getting up way too early. It's been awesome and it's nice to have friends I feel comfortable around and can always count on having a good time with. My roommate Kimmy is awesome. When we first moved in with each other I knew that we could be friends but I didn't really see us being super close or anything but over the last several months she's become one of my really good friends and is someone I can talk to about anything really. She is the more proactive one between the two of us and it is usually her making all sorts of fun plans with people and then invites me to come along, it's nice. I think I have become boring since high school. I used to be someone who couldn't stand not having plans and doing something all the time but now the idea of staying home on a Friday night and watching a movie by myself doesn't bother me really. Obviously I get bored sometimes and get that feeling of boredom, you know when you get that almost sick feeling in your stomach and your body gets restless and you can't sit still because you want to go do something but aren't sure what to do because you don't have plans? Yeah, I hate that feeling. So lucky for me I have Kimmy around to save me from that annoying feeling of boredom.

So the work scene has been absolutely crazy the last two weeks. My job stresses me out so much. It's not normal to dread your job as much as I do. Now don't get me wrong, I love the kids I teach and I love what I do but my boss makes my life absolutely miserable. Two weeks ago the owner of the day care I work at just decided to fire the office manager and thought that the director would be fine doing both jobs and then when the director told her she was putting in her notice and would only stay through the summer then the following week the owner fired the director as well. Well let me just say that without an office manager or a director in the office to help parents guess who was left to deal with the parents and feel really stupid when their questions couldn't be answered? ME! It was really hard to have parents come to me with questions about their bill or their schedule and what to do about summer coming up and the list goes on and on and me not being able to tell them anything because I don't work in the office and I don't have access to that kind of information. So frustrating! So after a week with no office manager and a day without a director I called up my boss and turned in my two weeks notice. This was last Friday. (p.s. my boss lives in Arkansas which definitely adds to the situation.) Did I have a job lined up for after? Nope. Did I have any plans on what I was going to do without a job? Nope. Did I have enough money to even get me through the summer? Nope. Awesome situation, I know. But in my mind it was better to be jobless than work for this lady and cry every day on the way home from work because I was so stressed out. Not cool.

Anyway, I'll make the rest of the story a short version. My boss flew in and surprised us all this last Monday morning. Come to find out she was just going to close up shop without even a two weeks notice to the parents or the staff. But luckily something worked out and she sold the business to another lady who realized how crazy my boss is and after all the paper work was finished she told her to leave and is now no longer allowed in the building. YEA!!!!!! I cannot express in words how happy I was the moment that she left and I knew I no longer worked for her. This new lady, her name is Sarah is going to be awesome. She called the office manager and the director and begged them to come back, she's keeping the current staff and is building another facility three times the size of the place we're in now. So to sum it all up: my two weeks notice is void and I get to keep my job and for the first time in two weeks I did not cry on my way home from work!

Random updates:
-I went home for Mother's Day weekend and that was awesome to be home for a few days.
-Talking to Mason on Mother's Day was so good. He's doing so awesome and I'm proud of him.
- I get to go to Havasupai the second week in June and I'm seriously SOOO excited!
- The weather has been so amazing the last few weeks and I'm loving it.
- I think I want to run a half marathon in August.
- I went swim suit shopping the other day with no luck. It is the most dreaded thing ever!
- I wish I didn't have to work during the summer, I just want to lay out and play sand volleyball all day.
- Lots of people I know have recently gotten engaged, congrats to them and I'm happy for them.
- Many friends of mine just had a baby or are currently pregnant, some with baby number two and although that is awesome news, secretly it just makes me sad because I want one.
- Despite all these marriage and baby announcements and as jealous as I feel sometimes I honestly am happy I am single with no children! There in an eternity for that and I am having too much fun right now!
- And lastly, I am going shopping today! It's time for some new clothes! Yea!

Pondering

I need to try and make an effort to post more than once a month. I don't always have a lot going on in my life but just because there aren't any major events or activities going on doesn't mean that I have nothing to say. I am the kind of person that likes to ponder a lot. I like to look around me, take in everything and then later find myself thinking about the color of the blossoms on the tree, how amazing the sound of silence really is and be amazed at the invention of cars as I'm driving home from work next to another car going over 65 miles an hour. My head is full of random thoughts all day long. Working at a day care definitely fills my head with interesting thoughts because kids don't see the world the same way adults do. They don't process information the same and they don't understand a lot of things so they take any information given them and try to make sense of it in their own words. For example, I was sitting at the lunch table with the kids when I hear a conversation that went something like this:

Johnny: I don't like milk.
Peter: Even if you don't like it you have to drink it because it makes it so your bones don't fall off.

I tried the best I could to not laugh out loud but to me that is hilarious. At that moment I could just imagine the situation in which Peter learned this information. I imagined him sitting at home during dinner and not drinking all of his milk and his mom saying "Peter you need to drink your milk" Peter then would have asked "Why?" and then his mom would have given him the answer that almost all parents would give "Because milk makes your bones strong." Now the wheels instantly start turning in Peters head and he connects milk with strong bones and to a four year old the only reason why you would need your bones strong is so they don't fall off your body. Makes perfect sense.

While the kids are playing I find myself just watching them sometimes and being amazed at how small they are. I used to be that small. It's weird how things grow. They all look so different, come from different places and circumstances, and they all have different personalities. Who will they become? What choices will they have to face? What hardships are in or are coming into their lives. The creation of man kind and the plan of happiness is truly incredible.

The kids ask me questions all day long and they usually have a simple explanation. Questions like: Why can't Hercules go back to heaven? Why will the worm die if I hold it instead of putting it in sand? Why does the sun make you red and me brown? If you're not a teenager, and you're not a mom, then what are you? ha ha. And when the smoke detector went off a child asked, Why is there a fire truck in the ceiling? As simple as some of the questions seem I tend to think a little bit deeper. Why can't Hercules go back to heaven? He's mortal, he's no longer a God, he is not like his father and must become like his father to go back. It's interesting how a child's question can develop into a philosophical brain exercise that usually connects to something spiritual. I learn so much from my job. I teach the ABC's and 123's but they teach me so much more.

Poems, A Reminder

The last little while I have felt a little down. I would like to say that I'm not sure why I feel that way but I would be lying. My life is in my control and I have the power to change it and be happy under any circumstances and it's the difference between doing and not doing, saying and not saying and thinking and not thinking that influences how I feel about myself, my family and friends, my job, my testimony,the church, my life. I went reading through my old journal and found these poems I wrote at a time in my life when I wasn't the happiest but re-reading them now brings a ray of hope as I look back on that time and see how far I've come since then. It's a reminder that with the Lord and through the atonement we can push through and accomplish anything.

Breathe

I feel as though I cannot breathe.
There is a sacred light I seek.
I see it in those who are strong
But feel that I am too weak,
Too lost, to reach out and hold on.

There are glimpses of light in my past.
It's a struggle to make it last.
My light is dampened by the dark.
All around me the adversary laughs.
I find comfort in my Father's arms.

Oh Lord, please hear my prayer.
Do no leave me in my despair.
I know my spirit is young and frail.
Make me strong with Thy living air.
I know through Thee, I can breathe.

My Purpose
My world has become dark and deep.
Many restless nights in which I cannot sleep.
I'm sinking quickly, in over my head.
Then I hear the voice of the Savior, he said,

I am with thee, you are never alone.
I can help you undo the damage you've done.
My yoke is easy, I will give thee rest
And strength to see you through this test.

Be still thy soul, for I am on your side.
I have been with you every night you cried.
I know your weakness, I see your trial.
I give them to make you strong my child.

Learn of me and look t'wards the light.
Make your way back to the rod and hold on tight.
The way is narrow, a struggle, but straight.
I will help you and welcome you at the gate.

My world is becoming peaceful and bright.
I thank my Lord God for his Son everynight.
I'm rising slowly with help from a friend.
This is my purpose, endure to the end.

Status Update!

It's been a while since I last posted and a lot has happened. I'll just do a quick update:

• I am alive and well
• I am so sick of the cold I could scream, I need SUN!
• Even though I'm not one to go to the tanning bed I secretly want to go so I can experience the amazing warmth of sunshine.
• This weekend I just want to watch General Conference in the comfort of my apartment.
• I went on a date last week and I have another tomorrow.
• I watched Harry Potter 5 tonight and it gets me excited about movie 6 coming out in July.
• I bought a new car a couple weeks ago. It is a Suzuki SX4 and I promise I will post pictures in the near future and give more details as to how I gained ownership of this cute little car.
• Tomorrow I will: Do some grocery shopping, write letters to Cami and Mason, watch conference, straighten my room, read my scriptures and write in my journal.
• I've been eating nothing but junk the last few weeks and I'm past the point of self disgust over it and I WILL start running again. If only the blasted season of winter would just end already! The weather is no excuse for my non-exercising habits, but still.