Stress, Sleepless Nights and Shopping

For some reason I feel more stressed than usual. If I take a good hard look at my life right now there really is not much different, so I am struggling to see why I feel this added amount of anxiety in my life. The last couple of nights I have not been able to sleep. I stay awake until 2 or 3 in the morning just lying in bed thinking about life. But if you were to ask me what I was thinking about I probably wouldn't be able to tell you because it's not anything specific. It's as if there are thousands of random thoughts coming from several areas in my life and they are all strung together in a pattern that makes absolutely no sense at all. I think about my job, my roomates, where I'm going to live in the next year, my friends, my dating life, my spirituality, my weaknesses, all the things I should be doing and I'm not, all the things that I am doing and shouldn't be...etc, and the list goes on and on. I guess to sum it all up I feel like my life is spinning and that I have lost control. I simply do not know where to begin to restore equilibrium in my life.

One thing about life that irritates me the most is that life, at least mine, is never in harmony. To decrease the amount of stress in my life I try my best to keep a healthy balance between all of the major pulls such as: work, social life, church and personal enrichment. But it is the trying to maintain that healthy balance that causes stress. I don't know if that really makes sense to anyone else but it does to me. It's a vicious cycle I tell you, just plain vicious.

I think most people feel, at least to some degree, stress in their life at all times. I know I do. But then the stress somehow builds up and I don't find a productive way to release it so then I stay up all night thinking about it. Now we all know that lack of sleep sure as heck doesn't help me relieve any amount of stress. So then it gets worse and worse and then suddenly, I crack. I break down. I lose it. This is where the crying spells come in. This is when I call my mom and best friend and through gut wrenching sobs I'll vent about all of the so called "problems" in my life. It is at this point that I'll begin to feel like nothing can go right and I don't know where I'm headed and nothing makes sense anymore. And then after all of this and a bottle of Ibuprofen later, it hits me. I realize what I must do to decrease me stress levels and give my ulcers a chance to relax. SHOPPING.

Why is it that in these moments of absolute vulnerability and weakness do I get a sudden urge to go shopping? What is it about shopping that gives me such an extraordinary feeling of self satisfaction? What is it about that exhilarating thrill of putting on those new pair of pants or that amazingly cute shirt that I bought at an awesome price that adds a little extra swing in my hips when I walk? Why is it that I can put on anything new and see myself differently in my mirror the next day, whether it be jeans, shoes, a shirt or even cute underwear? Why do I walk with a smile and more confidence because I "feel cuter". These are questions I have been trying to answer all my life and you know, I don't think I ever really want to know the answers, because it quite possibly can take out all the fun in it.

So here we have a classic case of PMS, whether that stands for PreMS, PresentMS or PostMS is irrelevant, because the feelings and reactions are the same regardless. Well I haven't hit the breakdown stage.......yet, but I am jumping ahead to the shopping stage. Tomorrow I will begin my quest to relieve some stress in my life. And then (big breath) a week from now my veil of denial will lift and I will realize I shouldn't have spent money I didn't have which will then cause anxiety. You see, it's a vicious cycle. Just plain vicious. Oh the joys of being a woman.